I shall have fun
Happy New Year! I truly believe that 2012 will be much better than the really awful horrible year that I have just put behind me.
Although I’m a self-directed, goal-driven sort of person, for some reason I’ve never been one to make new year’s resolutions. I’ve never thought that just because we’ve turned a page on the calendar, I’m somehow magically going to overcome all of those bad habits and character flaws that in fact only become more deeply ingrained with the passage of time. I have learned that the experience of a major life transition is a truly difficult and painful journey. It is not simply a decision to “change” but rather a process of coming to accept that an old ME is gone and that I must work hard to become someone who can be renewed, different, stronger, and more resilient.
I have also learned that even though it is painful, it is also possible to imagine a better future, to describe it in great detail, and to somehow forge a plan — even if only one step at a time — for how to get from here to there. That’s how I completed a mid-life PhD. That’s how I went from not being able to walk without pain to completing four half marathons (so far). That’s how I learned to be a caregiver, even knowing that this was not going to lead to a happy future. This is how I am recreating my life now.
I spent the last few days of 2011 and the beginning of 2012 completely off-line. I’ve had four days off from work. I did not check my email or look at Facebook or this blog. I didn’t even run, although I walked quite a bit and I do plan to run again at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning. A friend came to visit at New Years, so I did not have to mark this holiday alone. I have had time to think about what is truly important to ME. As a result, surprisingly, I find that I do have a resolution of sorts… a very simple one.
I SHALL HAVE FUN.
I don’t want to waste another day, another minute, being miserable. Life is much too short for that. I shall focus on being present, as fully as possible, in the midst of every moment that I have. Yes, there will be times when I hate my job, when my knees hurt, when I am lonely, when I am pissed off at Kurt for leaving me too soon, when I beat myself up over things. But I’m going to make a conscious attempt to be present, enjoy life, and find some fun in every day.
So when I whine, will you please remind me that I have resolved to have fun? With your help and support, perhaps I can really make 2012 the year that Lori comes home to herself and knows that she really, truly, will be OK.
It’s a brand new day,
It’s a brand new day!
For the first time in such a long time
I know I’ll be OK.
~~ Joshua Radin