Decisions, decisions

I’m in the process of deciding to sell the condo. Actually I’ve already made that decision; the only real question is timing. Do I put it on the market in January (smack in the middle of “the season”) and endure people tramping through while I’m here (I hate that), in late February or early March (the time of “the season” when those who have fallen in love with this town have begun their serious looking and bargain-hunting), or wait (and continue to incur monthly costs) until next fall when the market may or may not start to pick up again?

I plan to sell it furnished, but I’ll still have personal possessions (mostly artwork and books) to pack up and ship home. So I’m thinking maybe late February will be the right time. I have things to do that will keep me here until early March. Besides the half marathon and the architectural tours I’ve paid for, I still have to keep a promise to Kurt to scatter the other half of his ashes somewhere in the water off Newport Beach.

He tried unsuccessfully to make me promise to keep this condo for 10-15 years, as he was convinced that the market would recover and I’d eventually make a bundle. I’ve kept every other promise he asked me to keep (or pretty much will have, when I scatter the ashes). But I never agreed to keep this condo; I only agreed to try it for one season.

Well, I tried it. Almost a month into the experiment, I don’t think this is merely the December blues clouding my thinking. I believe I’ve made a genuine decision after deep thought about what is truly important to me. While I’ve appreciated the warm weather and waxed eloquent about architectural wonders, this is not where I want to be. I did not choose to be bi-platial; this was Kurt’s dream, not mine.

Selling the condo is going to buy me freedom. Freedom to put more money aside for the future or to choose to earn less now. Freedom to travel wherever I want to without feeling guilty over “wasting” the empty condo. Freedom from worrying that whichever house I’m not in is falling apart or being vandalized while I’m not there. I’ve realized that even one house is a lot for one person to take care of, and two is just too much.

I am not a migratory bird by nature. I want to be a tree and put down deep, enduring roots. I want to experience all four seasons even if it means that sometimes I’m housebound by snow and ice. I want to feel part of a community that thrives together through the good times and the bad.

I want to be at home: in my mind, in my body, in my dwelling place, with my friends, and in my community. I’ve learned in the past month how very important that sense of belonging to one another and to a place is to me. Life is short, and I don’t want to waste any more time being lonely and miserable.

Now I just have to figure out how to find my way back home… one step at a time.

Posted on December 22, 2011, in Learning, LIfe_goes_on, Place and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Look at you. Making decisions. Deciding who you are and what you want. 🙂 That makes me happy.

    Late February sounds like a good time. You get a bit of “the season” and less of the invasion. Good luck with it all.

  2. If the weather (and architecture tours) can’t keep you here, then you just aren’t home, and it sounds to me that you know what you need to thrive again! I hope it won’t be too hard to wait, now that you’ve made up your mind. Don’t we all wish we could offer good sound advice about the “when” part–the economy/marketplace is a giant mystery right now, but I do wish you well. It’s a big job! Your purpose in visiting Newport Beach is sobering yet lovely. I send a warm hug for that one, Lori. Peace to you, too, over this Christmas weekend. Maybe you’ll get some good running in…and sunshine! 🙂 Debra

  3. You can always come visit the sun in the winter, if you need to. Good for you to figure out YOUR wishes, and giving yourself the time to sense them. A peaceful Christmas weekend to you.

  4. Good for you to have made this important personal decision to release that which seems to keep you chained rather than offering options of future security. Your future security is yours to achieve and formulate—as you comment, one step (or run) at a time. What an accomplishment to realize you wish to be whole in mind, body, surroundings and connections of what brings peace to you. Life can be ambiguous in and of itself, as you know.

    I find myself a bit envious of your process and decision. I, too, must make a similar decision on the sale of a condo. Differently, I have to consider the wishes of siblings equally and dismantle the items of parents now gone with no clear promise to keep or amend. Too many voices in the mix for me.

    My earnest support to you as you embark on your next steps on all fronts. And, your goal of the 500 miles. Some big accomplishments as I see it! Warmly, Ellen

    • Ellen,
      Thanks for your sensitive and very positive feedback. I still have mixed feelings as I look around this place that Kurt loved so much and spent two of the last three months of his life. But for all that I want to become and do going forward from here, the only rational action for myself is to leave it behind me.
      My best wishes to you as you negotiate such emotional land mines with your siblings.

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