Happy Anniversary to Me?
I’ll try not to get too maudlin, as frankly I’m getting tired of it and I suspect you are too. But I am sitting here tonight honestly unsure how to handle the event I’m facing.
November 8 (which is still tomorrow in my time zone) would have been Kurt’s and my 25th wedding anniversary. HOW do I acknowledge this milestone? I can’t celebrate OUR anniversary — as we are no longer a we — but 25 years is still a huge milestone in MY life (almost half of my life), and I’m still the person who married my best friend and true love 25 years ago. Time is still passing for me, and milestones seem to want to be recognized in some way.
I can’t think of any way not to be miserable tomorrow. I can’t celebrate (try and imagine taking yourself out to dinner and toasting yourself with a glass of champagne!), but I don’t want to simply sit and try to pretend it’s some other day. I literally don’t know what to do.
I may be wrong about this (I’ll find out over the next two months), but it seems to me right now that November 8 is going to be even harder than Thanksgiving or Christmas. Neither one of us (especially me, and especially over the past few years) has been big on holiday celebrations. It’s always a challenge for me to get through the “holiday season” sane, so this year may be not all that different… we’ll see. But OUR days — our anniversary, our birthdays — those are really tough. They will probably be tough for a few years to come.
I only have a few badly faded photos from that day. Here is one.
Look at us! We look so young and earnestly in love. We got married in our back yard. We had 14 cases of Anchor Steam Beer in a big iced-down tub; nine of them were consumed that day by ourselves and our guests. We played beer pong in our garage. For our honeymoon we drove to the California coastal towns of Carmel, San Francisco, and Cambria in a 1983 944 (our second Porsche), which we’d bought about a week before just so we could honeymoon in a Porsche. We ended up returning many times to Carmel, and at one point bought a lot in Cambria with the intention of building a house there someday (we sold the lot a few years later, probably to buy another Porsche).
So many memories. This is my life. It is not fun to contemplate a milestone anniversary alone.
Still, this IS my life and I will go on from here, after a pause and a long sigh.
Want to hear a funny story? Today Kurt received a letter from a computer at the REALLYBIGBANK where I closed Kurt’s account the other day. The computer wanted Kurt to know that REALLYBIGBANK had honored the cashier’s check I had been given by the courteous employees at the local branch — even though according to the computer, there were insufficient funds in Kurt’s account to cover that check. The computer assessed a fee of $0.00, but warned Kurt that he could be subject to additional penalties if he did not fix his current balance of negative $9,999,999.99.
I am not kidding.
Given that one of the courteous employees at the local branch had called me Saturday morning to confirm that the account was closed, and had not complained about that pesky $10 million, I intend to ignore this computer-generated letter. But what a great send-off from REALLYBIGBANK!
And what about my slow happy running career? I spent another weekend mostly sleeping, and didn’t get out to run at all. This evening I did 5.5 miles on my treadmill, which was really boring but beat running by myself in the dark. I now have a reflective vest and reflective running tights to go with my headlight, so I’ll grin and bear it and run with the beer runners on Thursday — but I refuse to run by myself in the dark.
I’m starting to feel like maybe it’s time to… fly south for the winter???