Down a wormhole?

Maybe I did vanish down a wormhole for a while. It’s been a strange few days.

Basically — I crashed.

I’d been having that fighting-a-cold feeling — which only happens to me when I’m pushing myself too hard, not eating well and not getting enough sleep. I tried to back off, but I was also trying to meet deadlines at work, so I had to keep going. Until 1:30 Friday afternoon, when I gave up, went to bed, and didn’t get out of bed (except for brief forays downstairs for food) until 21 hours later.

Once I finally got up yesterday (Saturday), I took it really easy, sat around all day reading and thinking and being still. I resigned myself to the obvious fact that I wouldn’t be doing my usual Sunday morning long run. I haven’t run for a week now. That’s only the third time this year I haven’t run for a week. The first time was the week Kurt died; the second time was the week of his celebration of life. I guess this was the week that I figured out I can’t do everything and be everything for everyone at once — not if I want there to be a ME who has any sort of life at all from here forward.

I’m going to have to just sit and grieve when I need to. I can’t keep going and pushing all of that to the background. Grief has shown me that I need to give it time and attention, or it will just keep pushing me off a cliff. I’m learning that I don’t much like falling off cliffs or plunging down wormholes.

But I’m a slow learner, it seems. By late this afternoon I was really starting to worry about the biggest of my three work deadlines, and I spent four hours slogging through that tonight. Now it’s midnight, and while I’ve made progress, it’s obvious I won’t get it done tomorrow.

Earlier today I was planning to write something much more philosophical than this, and I still have some ideas that I want to develop. But now is not the time.

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Posted on October 23, 2011, in grief and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I hope you take the time you need, when you need. It’s like sleep. You can’t stock up on it, or bank it for later. And you can’t “pay yourself back” for sleep you miss. You just have to get it when you need it. Take time when you need it. As hard as it is to do sometimes. Even if you just take 15 minutes in the bathroom at work to shed a few tears, and pull yourself together until you feel comfortable with REALLY doing what you need to do.

    • You are wise beyond your years (as “they” say). I’m trying.

      I had a good scare this morning when I thought I’d lost the spreadsheet I worked on for hours last night. I’m not doing anybody, especially myself, much good if I can’t ever stop and take the time I need to do things well and not try to function from a state of exhaustion when I can’t think clearly.

      Thank you ~~ Lori

  2. Hi, Lori, have you have a physical lately? Asked for a nutritionist to help you plan your caloric intake for your body and your activities? Maybe these will help you…your body is probably not getting enough nutrition. You seem to be someone who may get out of nutritional whack? I hope that you kick the cold feeling, that your opportunities to grieve provide what you need, and that you can again be running soon! Geri

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