Trying to put my heart back together

I have 6,919 songs (and counting) spread across my various iDevices. I think that’s a rather large number, at least for my generation. Some of them were free or nearly free songs from my music vendor of choice, which I elected to download primarily because they sounded like good potential running songs (as in, “it has a good beat, I can run to it”). Some of those songs have been real winners, and I’ve gone on to buy their respective albums like a good little consumer.

A couple of years ago I picked up a song called “Trying to Put your Heart Back Together.” It’s just an ordinary song about trying to get over a breakup, but it has a great beat and yes, I love to run to it. One day I noticed that the name of the group was “Slow Runner.” This was probably not long before I started to refer to myself as a slow happy runner. I’m sure there is a connection there but I honestly do not recall how I came up with that appellation for myself.

Anyway, while I loved the song, when it came up in rotation while I was driving just a few days after Kurt died I discovered that it was one of the MANY songs that I could not bear to hear. There aren’t a lot of lyrics, but the primary feature of the song is that hook, “trying to put your heart back, trying to put your heart back together,” repeated several times.

I’ve reached the point where I can enjoy listening to it again, although it still makes me sad. But this morning I finally listened to ALL the lyrics of the song. What I found there was advice. Not profound, but useful advice. Some things I’m already doing, some just don’t suit my personality, and some I’m not yet ready to do — but all are worth considering.

Watch the snow fall          (I don’t want to contemplate winter, but this sets the mood)
Make some phone calls     
(needed, but difficult for this phone-phobic person)
Spend your whole life
Trying to put your heart back
Trying to put your heart back together.    
(that about sums it up for me right now)

You go out dancing                              (not yet)
With the beautiful and handsome        (oh, that’s scary)
Spend the whole night                         (very scary)
Trying to put your heart back… etc.

Where’d the day go                          (I ask myself that question every day!)
Out the window
Through the meadow
Down a wormhole
                            (now that sounds about right)
Each day you draw a new line     (HOW to keep moving that line forward, not back?)
This is the last time                (standing with one foot in the future and one in the past)
This is the last time
                     (unable to move on though you need and want to)
Trying to put your heart back… etc.

You can google the song if you want to; I found several versions of it on YouTube. It’s got a good beat — you can run to it, cry to it, argue with it, or just go ahead and put your heart back together. What I don’t want to do is to simply sit and watch the snow fall.

Last Sunday I did go out running, for the first time since the half marathon. I ran 6 miles and yes, I ran the whole way, on a pace about 30 seconds per mile faster than my half marathon pace, which made it just about the fastest 6 miles I’ve ever run. The last mile of the section of trail that I ran (which I’ve run many, many times) is slightly uphill — only about 100 feet but it can be daunting at the end of a run and I’ve never just run that mile before on a run of any length. My knees are a little tender today so it may have been a bit too much, but it felt great at the time.

As I’ve come to expect (but seem to forget when I get down in the dumps) running helped me break through the logjam. I went grocery shopping. I took myself out to dinner. I was actually (most miraculous of all?) very productive at work today. Maybe I’ve turned a corner? Probably not a major one, but the road immediately before me looks a little brighter at this moment.

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Posted on October 18, 2011, in grief, Running and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Sounds like a nice song. I’ll have to listen to it some time.
    It really does take a while to put your heart back together. And there’s no right/standard/fool-proof way to do it. It’s different for every person, every time. It’s one day at a time. Sometimes, it’s one HOUR at a time, even.
    It’s great that you got out. And had a great run. Go, YOU! *shakes pom-poms*

  2. Pom-poms are always inspirational! Thank you.

  3. ❤ much love to you Lori. I've been in that put it back together place for a while. I appreciate your words of wisdom and the song!

  4. Yess!!!Sounds like a great day!

  5. ellen dearinger

    One day at time,sometimes one step at a time,remember when you are sad to count not just the steps ,but also the flowers, birds ,trees ,butterflys,,ect..ect..ect…Sorrow sometimes blinds us to what we have left….I think you do a wonderful job of just breathing in and out and getting past the hard part, because of the strength within you ,that I think you have always had trouble seeing…….The funny thing is that that is how Kurt always saw you…..He had a way of looking at your strenghts and making your weaknesses not as noticable….A way of making you see posibilitys not roadblocks……You are doing great….just keep moving forward….Love Ellen

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